"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"
Charles Dederich
Well I find myself to be counted amongst the living still. If it is fate that has me here in continuance of the sickness called life then I curse it. Things have not improved since my last entry. Stroke, increasing bouts of depression, disingenuous family and friends and a failed attempt to pull myself up from the prison I find myself in have resulted in disappointment after disappointment. I would say I find myself at a crossroads, but the obvious truth is I'm not. I have finally found the sign I needed. My life is no longer mine to direct. I have no control in the destination, but rather I can guide it toward what is inevitable. I must embrace the life that the universe has made for me. I have fought furiously to deny what I have known for a long time. I believed that my old life was what I could achieve if I tried. This was what I was led to believe. I even lied to those around me as well as myself. I was lured into the vibrance of my old life by glimpses that temporarily made me lust for what I could no longer have...or be. I was further brought to believe this by my therapist. I actually started to believe that it was possible but I wondered. Was it the multiple drug cocktail that had me convinced of it or was it because I wanted it, in a brief respite of desire to live a lie? The answer is moot as I now accept the conclusion. The life I must lead is a solitary and difficult one. I accept my fate...until.
