"You get used to someone--start to like them, even--and then they leave. In the end, everyone leaves." - Rachel Ward
Life is the result of one's experiences and the way each experience moves you. There was one time where I craved nothingness like most men crave sex and power. I thought that my usefulness was spent and there was nothing left but to return to the nothingness from whence I came. The bizarre thing is that there is still a calm quiet voice in my head telling me to leave this existence. I have continued on, for the purpose of seeing if there would be a change in my view on existence. Sadly the change has been minimal. I once felt it was the my duty to stay here and build my children up. That was an exercise in futility. My children, it seems, are not interested in any relationship with me besides monetary or assistance. It's done immeasurable damage to my mind. The fact that the people I sacrificed my entire life for, have very little interest with being in my life. For example, my first grandchild was born in december 2019. I saw him in the hospital when he was born and I haven't seen him since. I have told my son numerous times that i wanted to see my grandchild. As of today I still haven't seen him. This is the son I helped with his troubles, when his mother took her time doing so, at great expense to me. Monetarily and emotionally drained.
Recently I was involved in a serious crash on my moped. I was not wearing a helmet and suffered a cranial fractures and 2 hematomas. There was a period where the doctors did not think I would survive. On the day I reawakened, I saw 2 of my 5 children at the hospital. Luckily, the universe did not want me to suffer physically. Which is very considerate of the universe, since the universe doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about me suffering emotionally. I have been alone for these last 12 years. Being alone does cruel things to a human. In the beginning it was so sensual. The peace that came helped with all the things I was dealing from, including the things that I now know was causing me difficulties in life. It was like a salve on my soul. Peace and quiet I was getting helped me decipher the mistakes that were made in my marriage and to help me change those behaviors that were toxic. The problem was I didn't fully understand what was causing the toxicity in my behavior. That chain of events caused new choices, that I made, that set me on the path I'm currently on. I have no one. I have lost my family, marriage, self respect. I am bereft of any hope in my future. I lumber on in hopes that I will at least get an answer on why my life has no more value to me. I'm being facetious. What I want is....to understand the track my life has taken. The endgame. What is it?
