“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
Lost and alone. How can I accept what my life has become when I detest my own existence? Life seems to have so many obstacles in place for those who embrace life borne of hope. My unburdened life has a plethora of obstacles. Choices always seem to come with either ulterior motives or ultimatums. I do not want to endure either again. The fantasy of the cold embrace of death being the final destination of life has no value for me. As a person who accepts science, I remember hearing that matter and energy cannot be destroyed but converted. We know what the body converts to but what about the energy that moves that flesh? Does it move on and if so where? These things vex me. I only wish for the end of it all.
Nihilism. I became aware of my tendencies for nihilism. My desire for the blackness to come soothe my tired form. To slip into the ether and be able finally to let go. All that I love most has been torn from me in varying degrees and I am become undone by the loss. I feel rejected and betrayed. The anger within me swells like a tidal wave and continues to wash over me. I want to destroy all that hurt me, but my dilemma is that the ones that hurt the most are the ones I would rend my soul in bargain to protect. The sickness compels me. This world was not meant for me and I am resolved to one day leave it by my own will. I speak to people who say that want to help me. I cannot. I cannot bring myself to tell them that there is no hope for me. I am alone. You cannot repair a glass, once it has splintered into a million shards. And you cannot fill that which is unavailable. I am alone. Each day reminds me that there is nothing that can make sense when you feel confused. I was not meant for this world and I hate it for tearing me from wherever the parts that make me where. I want to undo my own creation. I want time to back up, to the place where I was about to be conceived. Then cause that encounter to never exist. I want to watch this misery called life become unraveled from my mind. I want the impossible, I want to have never existed. I am alone!
I watch with a heart full of cynicism and apathy, people around me. I am so far above what they think I am, and none know of my deepest feelings. The things that move me. The reasons I do things as I have. Hope. This feeling makes them certain that they can fill this emptiness within me. That I just need, things. That I need, a special someone. They believe that they see what I cannot yet I see all that they do. Kindred spirits we are not. They all want to be here. It is not bad that they do, because contrary to what they may hold true, I understand the need to hold on to something. I was guilty of that as well at one time. One time I felt that holding on to my son would keep me grounded, but this is not the case. My anchor is not as solid as one would believe. To hold back all that I feel for the sake of another is the basest thinking. That person has a hold that is no firmer than your own. Why tether yourself to this fragile thing? This only seeks to make me suffer more. And I only want release from such sins...
