“He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed.” - William James
It is better to have.....this start to a famous quote is full of shit. I have loved and lost and I can tell you this...."ignorance is bliss." The pain from the loss of my soulmate stings like nothing else. The fact that I contributed to the demise of this relationship is the veritable insult to the injury. I have never loved anyone like her before or since. She was the perfect one at the wrong time. To lose someone like this is to have the very soul ripped from your being and have that emptiness turn into a black hole from which nothing escapes, but never fills.
I have only been as lonely as I am now once before, during the last few years of my marriage. The pain and suffering that we put each other and our children through will scar all involved forever. The cruelties we committed against each other were atrocious. I often wonder, how could someone who loves someone else say and do things to hurt them. Yet I did, often. I said and did things to hurt her because I was hurt. It's bizarre how you can look back at things and clearly see the mistakes you made in life but so hard to see when you are actually going through it. I truly thought I would spend the rest of my years with her. I wanted her's to be the last face I ever see. It was one of the many things that allowed me to resist the call. It was the main attachment I possessed that kept me in this world; well because why would you want to leave an angel? Unfortunately for me that ship has sailed and because of the pain that I still carry for that, I may have missed an opportunity for some semblance of happiness.
To have met someone and spend countless weeks trying to get next to them can be maddening. even more maddening is, finally getting to know that person and never telling them how you felt or even taking a chance to see if destiny is "riding" with you, only to watch them pack up and move away. I lost the chance to see if this is was something more than a passing fancy. What I found was that I truly did like this person and wanted to become more than a friend, but it seems that I never really appreciate things until I no longer have them. I wonder if my life will be one of those things. With this beautiful woman, as with most things that could last more than a short time, this was not meant to be. Sometimes I look longingly into the horizon and dream about a life with my soulmate, with my new interest and try to see what my life would be. I see happiness but it's fleeting as there will always be that pull on me. The call of the abyss, as I am coming to call it, is strong. I know I would destroy any chance of happiness for me and another but I would love to have taken this opportunity and turn it into a reality. That, for me is the dilemma.
I still love my soulmate with my entire being. I don't think I can ever stop. But the scars will never heal, on both sides. It's funny how people in relationships pick a random song playing at a specific time and make that their song. Our song was "It's Real Love - Skyy". Now our song is "Just To Keep You Satisfied - Marvin Gaye". My decision to submit to the embrace of nothingness guarantees that I will never have a new "our song" with another person, especially this one particular person who has given me pause. If I could do it all over again, I know I would never love another. The downside outweighs the upside, or to quote the immortal Bart Simpson.....
"I never thought it was humanly possible, but this both sucks and blows."
