We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes - Gene Roddenberry
Yesterday I spent all day sleeping. This morning I saw my phone and noticed how many calls I received. I wish I could have answered those calls but I couldn't muster the energy to hear the constant questioning about what was wrong. No one could ever understand the pain and hopelessness that I endure everyday. They say that comedy comes from tragedy, and I will attest to that fact. I spend a great deal of my day trying to make people laugh, and for the most part I think I accomplish that feat. None of the people I make laugh know of the storm that rages in my head. While they laugh on the outside, I cry on the inside. Yesterday I could not hold back the storm. Yesterday my face showed the world the turmoil that is my innermost being. They saw the face of someone who wants to die. I on the other hand saw people who were used to my constant joviality become alarmed by my sullen demeanor. For some of them, the ones who are truly friends, they showed genuine concern, with each asking if either I needed someone to talk to, or why won't I talk to them. The other group were people who are more acquaintance/co-worker than anything else. They were just walking around me as if I was contaminated with anthrax, whispering amongst themselves about what could possibly be wrong with me. i scoff at the silliness of it all, as if I would concern myself with what they thought.
Yet I am completely without care about these things as I deal with the decision to give in to the pain and return to nothingness. In a moment of weakness, I break down and allow tears to come to my eyes. I wonder "What's going to happen to my children?" "What's going to happen to my loved ones?" In this moment of weakness I dial the suicide hotline for veterans. I ask the gentleman on the line for a reason to put this off for another day. His response was that I was created for something, my creator has a reason for me being here. I could almost see the look on his face when I told him that I did not believe in god. It was as, for a second, the phone allowed me to see the look of utter dismay on the face of a stranger whose job was to talk me out of committing suicide. I wanted to laugh but I couldn't. This leads me to my reason for this entry.
I AM AN ATHEIST
I do not believe in a higher power. I grew up believing in god, but became disillusioned in the Marines. I became even more disillusioned as I read about the history of religions. By the time I lost my mother and grandmother, both within a year of each other, I became resolute in my disbelief. I wanted to agree with everyone that spoke of the both of them being in a better place, but knew that the better place was back to the nothingness from whence they came. In that sense they were, in my mind, in a better place. They were away from the pain and suffering that is this world. I long for that nothingness, that stillness, that emptiness.
In that sense I guess I do have a religion, because the very title of this blog suggests a belief in at least two. Buddhism and Hinduism. Their belief in breaking this cycle of pain and returning to nothingness falls along the same lines as my beliefs. The difference is I don't believe in reincarnation. I hope that this explains why I do not have a religious based guilt about my decision. This also doesn't allow me to believe in the fairy tale that all of my family that passed on will be waiting for me in the afterlife, though I wish it were so.
This brings a terrible amount of pain to me for my decision, because I will miss my babies, I am missing them now and the thought of never seeing them again hurts more than any pain I have ever experienced, except the pain of living. The pain of the emptiness and despair in the very center of my being. So here is the chance for a "god" to save me, make me a believer. Fill my "hole" with love and life, give me the strength to overcome the pain........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I guess he's busy right now.
