Today I spoke to my uncle. Actually he talked and I listened. My uncle gets a lot of flack for his indulgences with libations, but as Pliny the Elder so eloquently stated....
In Wine, There Is TruthI have always looked upon my uncle as somewhat of a sage. A man who through his own trials and errors has gained a modicum of wisdom. I was taught that you can learn something from everyone, no matter how smart you think you are and I learned today that I am not as good as I thought in hiding my feelings. He seemed to know exactly what I am feeling and I get the sense that he is even aware of my decision. His intervention in a situation that he feels is the reason for my current state, while good in it's intention is not the reason why I have made my decision. I appreciate him greatly, as much as I feel the pain that he possesses. Abandonment is not easy. Neither is betrayal. He's suffered a lot and yet stands as tall and defiant as he did when I was a little kid who idolized him. He is what I see as a prototype good man. Someone obviously flawed but does what he's supposed to anyway, without thought of the hardships involved. "A man amongst men." He says that a lot, and a few years ago I finally reached the point in every man's life, when he sheds the close-mindedness of youth and opens up to the wisdom that everyday life is teaching him. I am a man amongst men but I feel like more. There is an almost animal instinct in me that drives me to pursue or hunt if you will, whatever catches my eye. A type of nobility that prevents me from bowing my head or foregoing my principles for the purpose of "fitting in". I speak my mind and rarely suffer fools silently. I don't see many men like me in this world. I see my uncle as a man like that. A lion amongst gazelles, hyenas and jackals. So much of the world operates on the level of prey and scavengers that it sickens me to no end and I have run into many problems because of the defiance and arrogance that will not allow me to kowtow to these jackals and hyenas. This reason is the fuel that drives me towards the abyss. There seems to be no honor left in this world. It seems as if everyone is out to step on you to get some petty little short term gain or pleasure without thought of the damage they have wrought. Because of this, I feel out of place in this world, as if I was born a millenium too late. Everyday I find myself becoming more detached and cold, yet I spend my days using humor to conceal this from everyone; because people have this need to apply their own logic to other people's lives. I love debates or discourse on a myriad of subjects, but I hate lectures. This has lead to the cynicism I find myself giving into almost daily. My own personal sage spoke of the coldness he sees in me. I looked upon him, aware that his wisdom in this is well earned. He knows. He knows and the tragedy is that when I have made my journey, he will be left here to suffer, doomed to wonder if there is more that he could have done. Sadly there was not.
