The Loss of Concern

"The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom." - Arthur Schopenhauer 

    I find myself in the very spot I tried to avoid. I find that the time I have left cannot be spent trying to placate those I have not wronged. I have filled my spirit with guilt and anguish over perceived wrongs that I assumed I committed. How do you think one survives with extreme guilt with no avenue towards catharsis? Is one supposed to just stay in the abyss of guilt? I have attempted to right the wrongs I committed to people I haven't wronged. That ends now. As I said before, this life has been a steady run of bad shit with small and short bouts of happiness. One might look at my life and wonder why I feel this way. They can never accept that some people, like me are born angry. Angry at being brought here. I hate this existence and I have nothing that anchors me to this reality. My family would never understand why I took this trip, like everything I do nowadays, alone. I came here looking for catharsis and I found nothing. I will get the closure I need, want when I am no longer in this world. I hate this existence. This world and it's apex species are shit. This world is a fucking prison that I was brought in against my will, if such a thing existed in the nothingness waiting us all. I wake up wishing that I could set the mistakes I've made right, but I'm left feeling that this is impossible. I should have left her where I met her. I should have listened to my mind when I started bringing more people here. I wish I could erase it all, like it seems to be doing to me. That seems to be my punishment. I have often wondered if I am actually dead and this is my own personal hell. Then I realize that I don't believe in that bullshit. 

This rum is making me write profane words. I drink more. Self medication is all I'm good for now. The numbness is as close to death a coward like me is afforded. I spend all day smoking weed and drinking. so much so that I have been lying about it to everybody that speaks on it or asks me. I don't care what the fuck this world thinks of me. It has shown me, not in words but in action, how much it doesn't give a fuck about me. The periods of depression are almost constant and the anxiety worsens everyday. I trust no one and nothing. Let me clarify. I trust people as much as a wild animal that is receiving help from a human. My species are the most vile and disgusting things on this planet and I loathe them. Not as much as I loathe myself. It is pure wickedness to live the way I do, but this is what the universe has given me. Sometimes I wonder if I still believed in a deity, would I be as fucked up as I am. The question though is moot, as I reject the idea of a deity as ridiculousness forced on people to control them. Once you cross the line between theist and atheist there's no turning back. If there is a deity, let me say here that they can suck my dick.

The rum is doing what I want it to, now onto the weed. I want to black out and spend my time as it seems it was meant to be spent. Unconscious and as near death as one can get without dying. After reading that last line, I see how one could feel sorry for me. It's a pathetic and pitiful way to live, I know. But as I wrote just a few minutes ago...I don't fucking care what you think of me or my life.

The Emancipation of Ryan Aguillard

     

"You get used to someone--start to like them, even--and then they leave. In the end, everyone leaves." - Rachel Ward

    Life is the result of one's experiences and the way each experience moves you. There was one time where I craved nothingness like most men crave sex and power. I thought that my usefulness was spent and there was nothing left but to return to the nothingness from whence I came. The bizarre thing is that there is still a calm quiet voice in my head telling me to leave this existence. I have continued on, for the purpose of seeing if there would be a change in my view on existence. Sadly the change has been minimal. I once felt it was the my duty to stay here and build my children up. That was an exercise in futility. My children, it seems, are not interested in any relationship with me besides monetary or assistance. It's done immeasurable damage to my mind. The fact that the people I sacrificed my entire life for, have very little interest with being in my life. For example, my first grandchild was born in december 2019. I saw him in the hospital when he was born and I haven't seen him since. I have told my son numerous times that i wanted to see my grandchild. As of today I still haven't seen him. This is the son I helped with his troubles, when his mother took her time doing so, at great expense to me. Monetarily and emotionally drained. 

    Recently I was involved in a serious crash on my moped. I was not wearing a helmet and suffered a cranial fractures and 2 hematomas. There was a period where the doctors did not think I would survive. On the day I reawakened, I saw 2 of my 5 children at the hospital. Luckily, the universe did not want me to suffer physically. Which is very considerate of the universe, since the universe doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about me suffering emotionally. I have been alone for these last 12 years. Being alone does cruel things to a human. In the beginning it was so sensual. The peace that came helped with all the things I was dealing from, including the things that I now know was causing me difficulties in life. It was like a salve on my soul. Peace and quiet I was getting helped me decipher the mistakes that were made in my marriage and to help me change those behaviors that were toxic. The problem was I didn't fully understand what was causing the toxicity in my behavior. That chain of events caused new choices, that I made, that set me on the path I'm currently on. I have no one. I have lost my family, marriage, self respect. I am bereft of any hope in my future. I lumber on in hopes that I will at least get an answer on why my life has no more value to me. I'm being facetious. What I want is....to understand the track my life has taken. The endgame. What is it? 

The Acceptance of the Inevitable

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life" 
Charles Dederich

     Well I find myself to be counted amongst the living still. If it is fate that has me here in continuance of the sickness called life then I curse it. Things have not improved since my last entry. Stroke, increasing bouts of depression, disingenuous family and friends and a failed attempt to pull myself up from the prison I find myself in have resulted in disappointment after disappointment. I would say I find myself at a crossroads, but the obvious truth is I'm not. I have finally found the sign I needed. My life is no longer mine to direct. I have no control in the destination, but rather I can guide it toward what is inevitable. I must embrace the life that the universe has made for me. I have fought furiously to deny what I have known for a long time. I believed that my old life was what I could achieve if I tried. This was what I was led to believe. I even lied to those around me as well as myself. I was lured into the vibrance of my old life by glimpses that temporarily made me lust for what I could no longer have...or be. I was further brought to believe this by my therapist. I actually started to believe that it was possible but I wondered. Was it the multiple drug cocktail that had me convinced of it or was it because I wanted it, in a brief respite of desire to live a lie? The answer is moot as I now accept the conclusion. The life I must lead is a solitary and difficult one. I accept my fate...until.

The Journey Continues...

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 

― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

    Lost and alone. How can I accept what my life has become when I detest my own existence? Life seems to have so many obstacles in place for those who embrace life borne of hope. My unburdened life has a plethora of obstacles. Choices always seem to come with either ulterior motives or ultimatums. I do not want to endure either again. The fantasy of the cold embrace of death being the final destination of life has no value for me. As a person who accepts science, I remember hearing that matter and energy cannot be destroyed but converted. We know what the body converts to but what about the energy that moves that flesh? Does it move on and if so where? These things vex me. I only wish for the end of it all.

    Nihilism. I became aware of my tendencies for nihilism. My desire for the blackness to come soothe my tired form. To slip into the ether and be able finally to let go. All that I love most has been torn from me in varying degrees and I am become undone by the loss. I feel rejected and betrayed. The anger within me swells like a tidal wave and continues to wash over me. I want to destroy all that hurt me, but my dilemma is that the ones that hurt the most are the ones I would rend my soul in bargain to protect. The sickness compels me. This world was not meant for me and I am resolved to one day leave it by my own will. I speak to people who say that want to help me. I cannot. I cannot bring myself to tell them that there is no hope for me. I am alone. You cannot repair a glass, once it has splintered into a million shards. And you cannot fill that which is unavailable. I am alone. Each day reminds me that there is nothing that can make sense when you feel confused. I was not meant for this world and I hate it for tearing me from wherever the parts that make me where. I want to undo my own creation. I want time to back up, to the place where I was about to be conceived. Then cause that encounter to never exist. I want to watch this misery called life become unraveled from my mind. I want the impossible, I want to have never existed. I am alone!

     I watch with a heart full of cynicism and apathy, people around me. I am so far above what they think I am, and none know of my deepest feelings. The things that move me. The reasons I do things as I have. Hope. This feeling makes them certain that they can fill this emptiness within me. That I just need, things. That I need, a special someone. They believe that they see what I cannot yet I see all that they do. Kindred spirits we are not. They all want to be here. It is not bad that they do, because contrary to what they may hold true, I understand the need to hold on to something. I was guilty of that as well at one time. One time I felt that holding on to my son would keep me grounded, but this is not the case. My anchor is not as solid as one would believe. To hold back all that I feel for the sake of another is the basest thinking. That person has a hold that is no firmer than your own. Why tether yourself to this fragile thing? This only seeks to make me suffer more. And I only want release from such sins...

Love or Other Mistakes I Have Made

“He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed.” - William James

It is better to have.....this start to a famous quote is full of shit. I have loved and lost and I can tell you this...."ignorance is bliss." The pain from the loss of my soulmate stings like nothing else. The fact that I contributed to the demise of this relationship is the veritable insult to the injury. I have never loved anyone like her before or since. She was the perfect one at the wrong time. To lose someone like this is to have the very soul ripped from your being and have that emptiness turn into a black hole from which nothing escapes, but never fills.

I have only been as lonely as I am now once before, during the last few years of my marriage. The pain and suffering that we put each other and our children through will scar all involved forever. The cruelties we committed against each other were atrocious. I often wonder, how could someone who loves someone else say and do things to hurt them. Yet I did, often. I said and did things to hurt her because I was hurt. It's bizarre how you can look back at things and clearly see the mistakes you made in life but so hard to see when you are actually going through it. I truly thought I would spend the rest of my years with her. I wanted her's to be the last face I ever see. It was one of the many things that allowed me to resist the call. It was the main attachment I possessed that kept me in this world; well because why would you want to leave an angel? Unfortunately for me that ship has sailed and because of the pain that I still carry for that, I may have missed an opportunity for some semblance of happiness.

To have met someone and spend countless weeks trying to get next to them can be maddening. even more maddening is, finally getting to know that person and never telling them how you felt or even taking a chance to see if destiny is "riding" with you, only to watch them pack up and move away. I lost the chance to see if this is was something more than a passing fancy. What I found was that I truly did like this person and wanted to become more than a friend, but it seems that I never really appreciate things until I no longer have them. I wonder if my life will be one of those things. With this beautiful woman, as with most things that could last more than a short time, this was not meant to be. Sometimes I look longingly into the horizon and dream about a life with my soulmate, with my new interest and try to see what my life would be. I see happiness but it's fleeting as there will always be that pull on me. The call of the abyss, as I am coming to call it, is strong. I know I would destroy any chance of happiness for me and another but I would love to have taken this opportunity and turn it into a reality. That, for me is the dilemma.

I still love my soulmate with my entire being. I don't think I can ever stop. But the scars will never heal, on both sides. It's funny how people in relationships pick a random song playing at a specific time and make that their song. Our song was "It's Real Love - Skyy". Now our song is "Just To Keep You Satisfied - Marvin Gaye". My decision to submit to the embrace of nothingness guarantees that I will never have a new "our song" with another person, especially this one particular person who has given me pause. If I could do it all over again, I know I would never love another. The downside outweighs the upside, or to quote the immortal Bart Simpson.....



"I never thought it was humanly possible, but this both sucks and blows."

The Wisdom of the Sage

In Vino Veritas - Pliny the Elder

Today I spoke to my uncle. Actually he talked and I listened. My uncle gets a lot of flack for his indulgences with libations, but as Pliny the Elder so eloquently stated....

In Wine, There Is Truth

I have always looked upon my uncle as somewhat of a sage. A man who through his own trials and errors has gained a modicum of wisdom. I was taught that you can learn something from everyone, no matter how smart you think you are and I learned today that I am not as good as I thought in hiding my feelings. He seemed to know exactly what I am feeling and I get the sense that he is even aware of my decision. His intervention in a situation that he feels is the reason for my current state, while good in it's intention is not the reason why I have made my decision. I appreciate him greatly, as much as I feel the pain that he possesses. Abandonment is not easy. Neither is betrayal. He's suffered a lot and yet stands as tall and defiant as he did when I was a little kid who idolized him. He is what I see as a prototype good man. Someone obviously flawed but does what he's supposed to anyway, without thought of the hardships involved. "A man amongst men." He says that a lot, and a few years ago I finally reached the point in every man's life, when he sheds the close-mindedness of youth and opens up to the wisdom that everyday life is teaching him. I am a man amongst men but I feel like more. There is an almost animal instinct in me that drives me to pursue or hunt if you will, whatever catches my eye. A type of nobility that prevents me from bowing my head or foregoing my principles for the purpose of "fitting in". I speak my mind and rarely suffer fools silently. I don't see many men like me in this world. I see my uncle as a man like that. A lion amongst gazelles, hyenas and jackals. So much of the world operates on the level of prey and scavengers that it sickens me to no end and I have run into many problems because of the defiance and arrogance that will not allow me to kowtow to these jackals and hyenas. This reason is the fuel that drives me towards the abyss. There seems to be no honor left in this world. It seems as if everyone is out to step on you to get some petty little short term gain or pleasure without thought of the damage they have wrought. Because of this, I feel out of place in this world, as if I was born a millenium too late. Everyday I find myself becoming more detached and cold, yet I spend my days using humor to conceal this from everyone; because people have this need to apply their own logic to other people's lives. I love debates or discourse on a myriad of subjects, but I hate lectures. This has lead to the cynicism I find myself giving into almost daily. My own personal sage spoke of the coldness he sees in me. I looked upon him, aware that his wisdom in this is well earned. He knows. He knows and the tragedy is that when I have made my journey, he will be left here to suffer, doomed to wonder if there is more that he could have done. Sadly there was not.