Love or Other Mistakes I Have Made

“He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed.” - William James

It is better to have.....this start to a famous quote is full of shit. I have loved and lost and I can tell you this...."ignorance is bliss." The pain from the loss of my soulmate stings like nothing else. The fact that I contributed to the demise of this relationship is the veritable insult to the injury. I have never loved anyone like her before or since. She was the perfect one at the wrong time. To lose someone like this is to have the very soul ripped from your being and have that emptiness turn into a black hole from which nothing escapes, but never fills.

I have only been as lonely as I am now once before, during the last few years of my marriage. The pain and suffering that we put each other and our children through will scar all involved forever. The cruelties we committed against each other were atrocious. I often wonder, how could someone who loves someone else say and do things to hurt them. Yet I did, often. I said and did things to hurt her because I was hurt. It's bizarre how you can look back at things and clearly see the mistakes you made in life but so hard to see when you are actually going through it. I truly thought I would spend the rest of my years with her. I wanted her's to be the last face I ever see. It was one of the many things that allowed me to resist the call. It was the main attachment I possessed that kept me in this world; well because why would you want to leave an angel? Unfortunately for me that ship has sailed and because of the pain that I still carry for that, I may have missed an opportunity for some semblance of happiness.

To have met someone and spend countless weeks trying to get next to them can be maddening. even more maddening is, finally getting to know that person and never telling them how you felt or even taking a chance to see if destiny is "riding" with you, only to watch them pack up and move away. I lost the chance to see if this is was something more than a passing fancy. What I found was that I truly did like this person and wanted to become more than a friend, but it seems that I never really appreciate things until I no longer have them. I wonder if my life will be one of those things. With this beautiful woman, as with most things that could last more than a short time, this was not meant to be. Sometimes I look longingly into the horizon and dream about a life with my soulmate, with my new interest and try to see what my life would be. I see happiness but it's fleeting as there will always be that pull on me. The call of the abyss, as I am coming to call it, is strong. I know I would destroy any chance of happiness for me and another but I would love to have taken this opportunity and turn it into a reality. That, for me is the dilemma.

I still love my soulmate with my entire being. I don't think I can ever stop. But the scars will never heal, on both sides. It's funny how people in relationships pick a random song playing at a specific time and make that their song. Our song was "It's Real Love - Skyy". Now our song is "Just To Keep You Satisfied - Marvin Gaye". My decision to submit to the embrace of nothingness guarantees that I will never have a new "our song" with another person, especially this one particular person who has given me pause. If I could do it all over again, I know I would never love another. The downside outweighs the upside, or to quote the immortal Bart Simpson.....



"I never thought it was humanly possible, but this both sucks and blows."

The Wisdom of the Sage

In Vino Veritas - Pliny the Elder

Today I spoke to my uncle. Actually he talked and I listened. My uncle gets a lot of flack for his indulgences with libations, but as Pliny the Elder so eloquently stated....

In Wine, There Is Truth

I have always looked upon my uncle as somewhat of a sage. A man who through his own trials and errors has gained a modicum of wisdom. I was taught that you can learn something from everyone, no matter how smart you think you are and I learned today that I am not as good as I thought in hiding my feelings. He seemed to know exactly what I am feeling and I get the sense that he is even aware of my decision. His intervention in a situation that he feels is the reason for my current state, while good in it's intention is not the reason why I have made my decision. I appreciate him greatly, as much as I feel the pain that he possesses. Abandonment is not easy. Neither is betrayal. He's suffered a lot and yet stands as tall and defiant as he did when I was a little kid who idolized him. He is what I see as a prototype good man. Someone obviously flawed but does what he's supposed to anyway, without thought of the hardships involved. "A man amongst men." He says that a lot, and a few years ago I finally reached the point in every man's life, when he sheds the close-mindedness of youth and opens up to the wisdom that everyday life is teaching him. I am a man amongst men but I feel like more. There is an almost animal instinct in me that drives me to pursue or hunt if you will, whatever catches my eye. A type of nobility that prevents me from bowing my head or foregoing my principles for the purpose of "fitting in". I speak my mind and rarely suffer fools silently. I don't see many men like me in this world. I see my uncle as a man like that. A lion amongst gazelles, hyenas and jackals. So much of the world operates on the level of prey and scavengers that it sickens me to no end and I have run into many problems because of the defiance and arrogance that will not allow me to kowtow to these jackals and hyenas. This reason is the fuel that drives me towards the abyss. There seems to be no honor left in this world. It seems as if everyone is out to step on you to get some petty little short term gain or pleasure without thought of the damage they have wrought. Because of this, I feel out of place in this world, as if I was born a millenium too late. Everyday I find myself becoming more detached and cold, yet I spend my days using humor to conceal this from everyone; because people have this need to apply their own logic to other people's lives. I love debates or discourse on a myriad of subjects, but I hate lectures. This has lead to the cynicism I find myself giving into almost daily. My own personal sage spoke of the coldness he sees in me. I looked upon him, aware that his wisdom in this is well earned. He knows. He knows and the tragedy is that when I have made my journey, he will be left here to suffer, doomed to wonder if there is more that he could have done. Sadly there was not.

The Way of the Non-Believer

We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes - Gene Roddenberry



Yesterday I spent all day sleeping. This morning I saw my phone and noticed how many calls I received. I wish I could have answered those calls but I couldn't muster the energy to hear the constant questioning about what was wrong. No one could ever understand the pain and hopelessness that I endure everyday. They say that comedy comes from tragedy, and I will attest to that fact. I spend a great deal of my day trying to make people laugh, and for the most part I think I accomplish that feat. None of the people I make laugh know of the storm that rages in my head. While they laugh on the outside, I cry on the inside. Yesterday I could not hold back the storm. Yesterday my face showed the world the turmoil that is my innermost being. They saw the face of someone who wants to die. I on the other hand saw people who were used to my constant joviality become alarmed by my sullen demeanor. For some of them, the ones who are truly friends, they showed genuine concern, with each asking if either I needed someone to talk to, or why won't I talk to them. The other group were people who are more acquaintance/co-worker than anything else. They were just walking around me as if I was contaminated with anthrax, whispering amongst themselves about what could possibly be wrong with me. i scoff at the silliness of it all, as if I would concern myself with what they thought.

Yet I am completely without care about these things as I deal with the decision to give in to the pain and return to nothingness. In a moment of weakness, I break down and allow tears to come to my eyes. I wonder "What's going to happen to my children?" "What's going to happen to my loved ones?" In this moment of weakness I dial the suicide hotline for veterans. I ask the gentleman on the line for a reason to put this off for another day. His response was that I was created for something, my creator has a reason for me being here. I could almost see the look on his face when I told him that I did not believe in god. It was as, for a second, the phone allowed me to see the look of utter dismay on the face of a stranger whose job was to talk me out of committing suicide. I wanted to laugh but I couldn't. This leads me to my reason for this entry.

I AM AN ATHEIST

I do not believe in a higher power. I grew up believing in god, but became disillusioned in the Marines. I became even more disillusioned as I read about the history of religions. By the time I lost my mother and grandmother, both within a year of each other, I became resolute in my disbelief. I wanted to agree with everyone that spoke of the both of them being in a better place, but knew that the better place was back to the nothingness from whence they came. In that sense they were, in my mind, in a better place. They were away from the pain and suffering that is this world. I long for that nothingness, that stillness, that emptiness.

In that sense I guess I do have a religion, because the very title of this blog suggests a belief in at least two. Buddhism and Hinduism. Their belief in breaking this cycle of pain and returning to nothingness falls along the same lines as my beliefs. The difference is I don't believe in reincarnation. I hope that this explains why I do not have a religious based guilt about my decision. This also doesn't allow me to believe in the fairy tale that all of my family that passed on will be waiting for me in the afterlife, though I wish it were so.

This brings a terrible amount of pain to me for my decision, because I will miss my babies, I am missing them now and the thought of never seeing them again hurts more than any pain I have ever experienced, except the pain of living. The pain of the emptiness and despair in the very center of my being. So here is the chance for a "god" to save me, make me a believer. Fill my "hole" with love and life, give me the strength to overcome the pain........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I guess he's busy right now.

The Beginning of the End

"Everything that has a beginning, has an end"

Cliched but profound, and in my case prophetic. I created this blog to chronicle my inevitable descent into the abyss. I have a purpose, or one could say purposes with regards to this endeavor. I want to relay to those whom I love exactly what was happening in my mind when I decided to return to nothingness. I chose the path of my own free will and nothing influenced me to. Quite the contrary it was things that delayed the inevitable. Hopefully there will be enough in here to adequately explain the why. I hope that the four pillars of my existence forgive me for being what they may be told afterwards about my being weak and selfish. I want them to know it was not weakness, though I admit the selfishness, but the weariness and heaviness this existence bore on me. My time on this planet is not without worth in my eyes because I have given it four of the greatest creations I was ever able to give. I truly love each and every one of you with every fiber of my being and if there is an afterlife, I will spend it cursing myself for leaving you four too early. I hope for you, most beloved of all that you understand and more importantly......forgive me for my failings. I have set this blog up so that you, whom I relay the address to can see....and learn this one final lesson I have to give.

I shall love you all for eternity......if there is such a thing.

R.